Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Being a little crazy!

Sometimes I think I am a little crazy. Most of you reading this will say "a little" who are you kidding. You are huge crazy. So I have been struggling with the thought that if I am a little crazy does that make me not loveable. But when I have tried to change my craziness in the past it seems to steal a little bit of me away. I found this thought on one of my favorite photographers blog.

"at what point in growing up do we learn to do things so halfheartedly? when do we forget to move, breathe and live with our whole body? when do we start practicing saying things we don't mean? when did we settle for being so much less powerful than we really are,,, for using such a small percentage of our natural potential? why? when? i'll tell you exactly when: when we start becoming conscious of the spit flying out of our mouth, and how it really is a ridiculous amount of spit, and o no, what will the people around me think of me now that they've seen all this spit, and will they take their love from me because of it???the fear of rejection is so strong, so deeply ingrained in us, that we imprison the best parts of us in a misguided attempt to keep them from harm. the greatest gift in the universe, traded for fear."

I do have a fear of what others might think of my oddities that somehow they will take their love from me and so I tend to be the one who backs off first. I want to live a life that I believe in myself -that I do not need others approval to let me know that what I do and say is not crazy. Alot of this has to do with my journey with photography and friendships. (I know that Daniel thinks I am crazy and he loves me anyway). I have needed approval with almost every shot I have taken. What is that? Where does that come from? It takes away from my joy. I need people to feel I am fabulous and funny or they will take their love away.

I want to learn to feel this--

"really? so what if johnny thinks you have too much spit, you're alive!!! alive, and no one can take that from you, no one can lessen the glory of that in any way. If something is worth doing, it is worth doing with everything you have. if it's not, then why are your spending precious moments of your life doing it?"