Friday, January 15, 2010

No pictures today!

Today there are no pictures because my mind is full of anxiety and I can't take any pictures when I am in that frame of mind.
My husband surprised me with a cruise to a place far away where it is warm and sunny. You would think that I would be the happiest wife on the planet. I am not. Because it means that I have to wear less layers than I am wearing now. I have been quietly layering my clothing to cover up the embarrassment that I have felt lately. I don't know exactly when I became so self conscious.
Today I asked my husband to cancel that cruise. I just could not handle the anxiety. Who have I become? So I have realized several other things that I have been thinking lately. I have failed so many times that it is the actual fear of failure that has kept me this way.
I have also started to believe that I am LESS in some way because of the way that I look. In my mind I actually believe that I will be a better photographer and designer and mother if I were thinner. I see others around me and think how have they managed to keep themselves together when I have gotten so out of control. At one point in my life I managed to get quite thin with the help of Phen-phen. In my mind I was the happiest that I had ever been and I credit that all to being thin.
I cannot get on with my life it is a moment to moment struggle. Every minute of everyday it is a battle with myself. A lot of time I feel so blessed for a healthy, happy family and other times I want to run and hide.
I need to say this out loud even if it is to the four readers that I have. I don't want to loose any weight. I don't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol or bordering on diabetes. I want to learn that I can accomplish the things that I want to even if I am overweight. I want to walk into a new situation and be confident in what I can offer. I want to learn for myself not to measure others by the way they look. (I must measure others because that is how I measure myself.) I want to reach inside myself and learn where real beauty comes from. I want to be able to take a picture of myself and not think "what has happened to me?"
For those of you who worry I will not stop exercising. I know we need to take care of our bodies. I have to try this. I have to give up the battle to set myself free. I look at the people in Haiti and I squirm with the realization of what consumes my thoughts.
I wonder what I can accomplish if I took my mind off "how can I loose weight" and posed a new question of "what do I have to offer." I wonder how my life will change or how I can change someone else's life? I will keep my four readers posted!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

My dear sweet first born!

So it was 9 degrees today and today was the day that I decided that I wanted to take Carly's twelve year old pictures. I just got lost this year taking a lot of other pictures so I did not want another day to go by and not take hers. After looking at these pictures I don't think that I have really looked at her in a long time.

I put a little makeup on her and that just made her the happiest girl on the planet. I guess I had forgotten how long her lashes were. Just gorgeous! With all the day to day things to do I forgot what she really looked like. I have forgotten to tell her how amazing she is in the midst of wanting her to keep her room clean. How do you change that? How do you remember to look at her the way that God looks at her.

I feel like I have learned what beauty is from somebody else. Beauty is everywhere! Everyone says "Just be who you are" I think Carly has learned that but I am almost 40 years old and I have still not gotten it. I want to surround myself with that kind of honesty.

She really has no problem with who she is. She will wear things and I will think "are you crazy" but she will tell me she doesn't care and she likes it so that is all that matters.
I want to look at her everyday like I did today! I hope that I can hold on to that.