Today there are no pictures because my mind is full of anxiety and I can't take any pictures when I am in that frame of mind.
My husband surprised me with a cruise to a place far away where it is warm and sunny. You would think that I would be the happiest wife on the planet. I am not. Because it means that I have to wear less layers than I am wearing now. I have been quietly layering my clothing to cover up the embarrassment that I have felt lately. I don't know exactly when I became so self conscious.
Today I asked my husband to cancel that cruise. I just could not handle the anxiety. Who have I become? So I have realized several other things that I have been thinking lately. I have failed so many times that it is the actual fear of failure that has kept me this way.
I have also started to believe that I am LESS in some way because of the way that I look. In my mind I actually believe that I will be a better photographer and designer and mother if I were thinner. I see others around me and think how have they managed to keep themselves together when I have gotten so out of control. At one point in my life I managed to get quite thin with the help of Phen-phen. In my mind I was the happiest that I had ever been and I credit that all to being thin.
I cannot get on with my life it is a moment to moment struggle. Every minute of everyday it is a battle with myself. A lot of time I feel so blessed for a healthy, happy family and other times I want to run and hide.
I need to say this out loud even if it is to the four readers that I have. I don't want to loose any weight. I don't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol or bordering on diabetes. I want to learn that I can accomplish the things that I want to even if I am overweight. I want to walk into a new situation and be confident in what I can offer. I want to learn for myself not to measure others by the way they look. (I must measure others because that is how I measure myself.) I want to reach inside myself and learn where real beauty comes from. I want to be able to take a picture of myself and not think "what has happened to me?"
For those of you who worry I will not stop exercising. I know we need to take care of our bodies. I have to try this. I have to give up the battle to set myself free. I look at the people in Haiti and I squirm with the realization of what consumes my thoughts.
I wonder what I can accomplish if I took my mind off "how can I loose weight" and posed a new question of "what do I have to offer." I wonder how my life will change or how I can change someone else's life? I will keep my four readers posted!