Today there are no pictures because my mind is full of anxiety and I can't take any pictures when I am in that frame of mind.
My husband surprised me with a cruise to a place far away where it is warm and sunny. You would think that I would be the happiest wife on the planet. I am not. Because it means that I have to wear less layers than I am wearing now. I have been quietly layering my clothing to cover up the embarrassment that I have felt lately. I don't know exactly when I became so self conscious.
Today I asked my husband to cancel that cruise. I just could not handle the anxiety. Who have I become? So I have realized several other things that I have been thinking lately. I have failed so many times that it is the actual fear of failure that has kept me this way.
I have also started to believe that I am LESS in some way because of the way that I look. In my mind I actually believe that I will be a better photographer and designer and mother if I were thinner. I see others around me and think how have they managed to keep themselves together when I have gotten so out of control. At one point in my life I managed to get quite thin with the help of Phen-phen. In my mind I was the happiest that I had ever been and I credit that all to being thin.
I cannot get on with my life it is a moment to moment struggle. Every minute of everyday it is a battle with myself. A lot of time I feel so blessed for a healthy, happy family and other times I want to run and hide.
I need to say this out loud even if it is to the four readers that I have. I don't want to loose any weight. I don't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol or bordering on diabetes. I want to learn that I can accomplish the things that I want to even if I am overweight. I want to walk into a new situation and be confident in what I can offer. I want to learn for myself not to measure others by the way they look. (I must measure others because that is how I measure myself.) I want to reach inside myself and learn where real beauty comes from. I want to be able to take a picture of myself and not think "what has happened to me?"
For those of you who worry I will not stop exercising. I know we need to take care of our bodies. I have to try this. I have to give up the battle to set myself free. I look at the people in Haiti and I squirm with the realization of what consumes my thoughts.
I wonder what I can accomplish if I took my mind off "how can I loose weight" and posed a new question of "what do I have to offer." I wonder how my life will change or how I can change someone else's life? I will keep my four readers posted!
10 comments:
I have always thought you were beautiful! You should let that sweet husband of yours take you on a cruise. It's one of my favorite vacations. You don't have to lounge around in a swim suit. There are lots of activities and you can eat 24 hours a day(my fav part). Just think about the fabo pics you could take. Get a balcony room and you won't regret it. And I too have moments where I don't feel I measure up to others around me. Heck-I wish I could have just a smidgen of your photographric abilities. Go on that cruise. ;)
Thank you! I am going on that cruise. My husband would not let me cancel. So I am excited to go and take as many pictures as my camera can handle!
You are so brave to post such a REAL insight to your feelings. I have been a long time follower- but never commented. From your words you seem to be compassionate, caring and honest. Your love for your family is shown on many posts. I am not sure that I have ever seen a real picture of you, but your beauty is there. You must not be able to see what we see. Which is you, the REAL you. Not the body you see in the mirror. It must be hard to try to define yourself as the image you see in the mirror.
The words that I have been reading in your blog- show a strong woman. I look forward to seeing you blossom in whatever manor that is.
www.1881photography.com
what awesome thought you have to be more confident. I'm just throwing this out there only because, i can be very self conscious of my body. But I was on weight watchers for a few months and lost about 21 lbs but the biggest thing for me was learning how and what and how much is okay for me to eat. maybe consider going on that just to see how it is, it was a great learning experience for me.
and i'm glad to see that you are going on that cruise. enjoy, can't wait to hear some update.
oh yes, i'm guessing you have more than 4 readers
I have much to say - will call you tomorrow. VERY GLAD you did not cancel the cruise... I would have kicked your @#&!!
Just read your blog today and it makes me so sad to see my good friend struggling with herself! Isn't it so funny how we are the hardest on ourselves! What your friends see in you is someone who is crazy talented, creative, hilarious, a good listener...and the list could go on. It is all these qualities that make you a beautiful person, and I hope you can someday see what we all see. Glad you are going on that cruise :)
I think many women feel this way, or maybe I think that because I feel this way! I have struggled with a little extra weight since Scott got his "real" pilot job. I think, oh I could just be happy if I could lose this extra 15 lbs. Or "wouldn't I look great if I looked like I did "when" However, I was completely satisfied then either. I think it is a real trick to accept what you look like. Have fun on your cruise, what an awesome surprise!
Jess,
Your post saddens my heart beyond belief. To have a husband who loves you at size 0 or 300 and wants to spend time with you, AWESOME!! You have a wonderful hubby who is not shallow and seeking a thinner model, he picked YOU to go on a cruise with. You are an amazing person, I wish you could see yourself the way all your friends see you. When I see you I see an amazing mother, daughter, sister, friend, a very well dressed and put together employee, creative, gifted with photography, decorator, loyal, honest. My last year has shown me to love me, for me, regardless of what others think. I hope and pray that you can find the peace and joy with your own skin friend, you are a beautiful women!!! Miss ya.
Thank you eveeryone for your love and support. Today walked around for an hour in my bathing suit.
Jess, oh how you said exactly how I feel. You have no idea how amazing you are as a person, friend, wife, mother, designer and photographer and writer by the way, I LOVE how you write. You amaze me every time I come on your site. I'm glad you are still going on your cruise it will be so much fun and you totally deserve time away. Enjoy life, live in the moment!! I'm really struggling with that one but I know you can do it. You are strong!!!
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