The weather is no good!

The weather this time of year always kills me. The days seem to last forever. I have to push myself to get up and get going. So I am going to just keep taking pictures to keep my mind working. Going to keep posting pictures so that I push myself to do more. Got out my old lens yesterday. 50mm 1.8. I find that I have missed it and can do so many creative things with it and it is so fast. Also learned how to create a tilt shift on photoshop so I am having fun doing that. I have seen a lot of photographers do it. I e-mailed one of my favorite photographers to help me with my little problem and she actually has a tilt shift lens. I loved that when I e-mailed her she got back to me so quickly. I love when photographers remember that they started somewhere and it is nice to give back to photographers with questions. Her images are amazing!

http://simplyrosie.ca/journal/

Her shots are so unique and creative. She sets up every shot so beautifully. Another wonderful photographer that I have come across lately is

http://morninglightinmyroom.blogspot.com/

She has a way of using words in her photographs that is amazing. I love the dreamy quality of each shot. Her images are actually for sale on etsy.

So thank you for all of your love and encouragement from my last blog post. We are going and I am just going to enjoy myself the best that I can. Now if anyone can help me get over leaving my kids for a week.

No pictures today!

Today there are no pictures because my mind is full of anxiety and I can't take any pictures when I am in that frame of mind.

My husband surprised me with a cruise to a place far away where it is warm and sunny. You would think that I would be the happiest wife on the planet. I am not. Because it means that I have to wear less layers than I am wearing now. I have been quietly layering my clothing to cover up the embarrassment that I have felt lately. I don't know exactly when I became so self conscious.

Today I asked my husband to cancel that cruise. I just could not handle the anxiety. Who have I become? So I have realized several other things that I have been thinking lately. I have failed so many times that it is the actual fear of failure that has kept me this way.

I have also started to believe that I am LESS in some way because of the way that I look. In my mind I actually believe that I will be a better photographer and designer and mother if I were thinner. I see others around me and think how have they managed to keep themselves together when I have gotten so out of control. At one point in my life I managed to get quite thin with the help of Phen-phen. In my mind I was the happiest that I had ever been and I credit that all to being thin.

I cannot get on with my life it is a moment to moment struggle. Every minute of everyday it is a battle with myself. A lot of time I feel so blessed for a healthy, happy family and other times I want to run and hide.

I need to say this out loud even if it is to the four readers that I have. I don't want to loose any weight. I don't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol or bordering on diabetes. I want to learn that I can accomplish the things that I want to even if I am overweight. I want to walk into a new situation and be confident in what I can offer. I want to learn for myself not to measure others by the way they look. (I must measure others because that is how I measure myself.) I want to reach inside myself and learn where real beauty comes from. I want to be able to take a picture of myself and not think "what has happened to me?"

For those of you who worry I will not stop exercising. I know we need to take care of our bodies. I have to try this. I have to give up the battle to set myself free. I look at the people in Haiti and I squirm with the realization of what consumes my thoughts.

I wonder what I can accomplish if I took my mind off "how can I loose weight" and posed a new question of "what do I have to offer." I wonder how my life will change or how I can change someone else's life? I will keep my four readers posted!

My dear sweet first born!

So it was 9 degrees today and today was the day that I decided that I wanted to take Carly's twelve year old pictures. I just got lost this year taking a lot of other pictures so I did not want another day to go by and not take hers. After looking at these pictures I don't think that I have really looked at her in a long time.

I put a little makeup on her and that just made her the happiest girl on the planet. I guess I had forgotten how long her lashes were. Just gorgeous! With all the day to day things to do I forgot what she really looked like. I have forgotten to tell her how amazing she is in the midst of wanting her to keep her room clean. How do you change that? How do you remember to look at her the way that God looks at her.

I feel like I have learned what beauty is from somebody else. Beauty is everywhere! Everyone says "Just be who you are" I think Carly has learned that but I am almost 40 years old and I have still not gotten it. I want to surround myself with that kind of honesty.

She really has no problem with who she is. She will wear things and I will think "are you crazy" but she will tell me she doesn't care and she likes it so that is all that matters.

I want to look at her everyday like I did today! I hope that I can hold on to that.

Christmas was the longest!

Christmas was the longest month of my life but the best ever! I wish that I could have my family live close by but then again their visits would not be so much fun. I do have to say that I love decorating for Christmas. I am beginning to not have enough surfaces to decorate. I guess I will need a bigger house so I have more to decorate. I don't think that will be happening so I will just have to rotate.

Daniel's nieces from the Netherlands came for a visit and my whole family came for the week. It was definitely a house full. I never once thought it was too crowded except for meal time. Who would ever have enough seating for 19 people. Well I didn't so we sat on the couch. Not my ideal but we were together and that was enough. We even had our neighbor over for Christmas Eve. Just very tight at meal time.

It is amazing to me every time how well my kids and their cousins get along. It really warms my heart! I don't have a lot of photo sessions with this weather so maybe I will get the camera out and start taking pictures for me again. We will have to see!

I have been bad!

So I realized that it has been a long time since I have posted any pictures of my family. I get so busy with pictures that I forget the people that are most important to me. This is my cute family out picking apples. And the boys being so silly with their friends. They are so cool most of the time and here they come up stairs dressed like this and having a blast.

Jaden and his little friend Wiley having a great time at the pumpkin patch. I love cute little friends. My new years resolutions are definitely going to include more fun times with friends and family.